*Please Note: This is a very intense post. Not my usual lightheartedness...
We have (hopefully) laughed together over many things but there is one thing that I have not talked about yet. One thing that I've been through - something that I'm very open about and have no problem talking about face-to-face and that is having Postpartum Depression.
I don't know why I chose *now* to write about it. Maybe because I'm hoping that if I talk about it that it could help others. I may be open about it but that doesn't mean that it's easy for me to talk about.
When I became a mom for the first time (Nikayda), my life was pure bliss! That whole first year with her, I honestly thought, "How could life even get any better?" I was in-love, married and had a (nearly perfect) baby! So full was my heart! Then I became pregnant with Aapo.
My world came crashing down. Every day was so unbelievably dark. I was so incredibly unhappy. So much so that I had no idea a person's mind could feel that way! There is no possible way for a person with depression to explain it to one who's never had it. Absolutely no way! I've had a lot of anxiety with that depression, as well. Which is very common. I could explain all the awful details here about panic/anxiety attacks and nervous breakdowns but I will spare you. :) I'm trying to stick with the facts. I guess I just want people to be aware. I swear I'd start a campaign about awareness if I could!
Now, a lot of woman (and even men - who have depression) prefer not to talk about it, and that's okay. (I've had several friends confide in me). Many women (and men) want to get the help they need and move on. And that's okay too. Everyone deals with things differently. But for me, the best thing I ever did was talk to people about it. Even if you don't want to talk to others about it, I'd still recommend that you at least seek out a trusted friend. But don't think you have to do this alone.
You are never alone. Ever. And I say that from someone who felt SO alone every single day, for two years. I didn't get diagnosed until I was pregnant with Carter. I sat there and suffered in silence and hid it from everyone - even my own family.
After growing up, watching my mom raise all 14 of us as Superwoman, I figured how could I ever tell anyone that I felt like such a failure! I only have two kids (at the time)! Was I suppose to tell people that I couldn't even BE a mom? I had dreamt of this my whole life, why couldn't I do it? What was wrong with me?! Oh there was something wrong with me. There was something very wrong with me. I had postpartum depression. But there was also help for me. I just needed to seek it. And I certainly was never alone. God was always with me - even on those days when I believed it the least. He was with me and I know now that he carried me because I'm still here... (I am crying. I haven't talked about this in a long time). I am still here. I am still a mom and I love my kids more than anything else in the world. And I am still a wife and I love my husband with all my heart.
You don't have to go through this alone. If anyone should happen upon this entry and be struggling with a similar trial, I beg of you to seek help. It's out there for you. No one should EVER have to feel that pain alone. And the most important thing to believe is that God will help you through. Because He will. The only thing that got me to where I am right now, is my faith. But there were many days that my faith was so very weak, I felt I had no faith at all! I felt that I didn't even believe anymore. But God was with me still. Even then.
We have (hopefully) laughed together over many things but there is one thing that I have not talked about yet. One thing that I've been through - something that I'm very open about and have no problem talking about face-to-face and that is having Postpartum Depression.
I don't know why I chose *now* to write about it. Maybe because I'm hoping that if I talk about it that it could help others. I may be open about it but that doesn't mean that it's easy for me to talk about.
When I became a mom for the first time (Nikayda), my life was pure bliss! That whole first year with her, I honestly thought, "How could life even get any better?" I was in-love, married and had a (nearly perfect) baby! So full was my heart! Then I became pregnant with Aapo.
My world came crashing down. Every day was so unbelievably dark. I was so incredibly unhappy. So much so that I had no idea a person's mind could feel that way! There is no possible way for a person with depression to explain it to one who's never had it. Absolutely no way! I've had a lot of anxiety with that depression, as well. Which is very common. I could explain all the awful details here about panic/anxiety attacks and nervous breakdowns but I will spare you. :) I'm trying to stick with the facts. I guess I just want people to be aware. I swear I'd start a campaign about awareness if I could!
Now, a lot of woman (and even men - who have depression) prefer not to talk about it, and that's okay. (I've had several friends confide in me). Many women (and men) want to get the help they need and move on. And that's okay too. Everyone deals with things differently. But for me, the best thing I ever did was talk to people about it. Even if you don't want to talk to others about it, I'd still recommend that you at least seek out a trusted friend. But don't think you have to do this alone.
You are never alone. Ever. And I say that from someone who felt SO alone every single day, for two years. I didn't get diagnosed until I was pregnant with Carter. I sat there and suffered in silence and hid it from everyone - even my own family.
After growing up, watching my mom raise all 14 of us as Superwoman, I figured how could I ever tell anyone that I felt like such a failure! I only have two kids (at the time)! Was I suppose to tell people that I couldn't even BE a mom? I had dreamt of this my whole life, why couldn't I do it? What was wrong with me?! Oh there was something wrong with me. There was something very wrong with me. I had postpartum depression. But there was also help for me. I just needed to seek it. And I certainly was never alone. God was always with me - even on those days when I believed it the least. He was with me and I know now that he carried me because I'm still here... (I am crying. I haven't talked about this in a long time). I am still here. I am still a mom and I love my kids more than anything else in the world. And I am still a wife and I love my husband with all my heart.
You don't have to go through this alone. If anyone should happen upon this entry and be struggling with a similar trial, I beg of you to seek help. It's out there for you. No one should EVER have to feel that pain alone. And the most important thing to believe is that God will help you through. Because He will. The only thing that got me to where I am right now, is my faith. But there were many days that my faith was so very weak, I felt I had no faith at all! I felt that I didn't even believe anymore. But God was with me still. Even then.
**************
My midwife (for Carter) explained that you can get postpartum depression while you are pregnant and not only after you've had a baby. This entry is making my tears flow... I felt it was very important to share this. :)
I'd also like to add, that I've always been an optimist. My whole life, I was an optimistic, dreamer. I always thought of myself as a dreamer because I always thought the sky was the limit! Lol. And that is why, when I got depression it hit me like a brick wall. It came out of left field. There is absolutely nothing in my life that caused it to happen. It can happen to anyone at anytime. So, dear friend, if you are reading this and having your own struggles with any kind of anxiety or depression, there is help out there for you too. Talk to a loved one, your doctor or another healthcare professional - but talk to someone! Please. And remember that God will carry you through. All you must do is believe.
And in case the question arose while you were reading, I am doing really good right now! I wasn't last fall or even for a while in the winter. But I am right now. Sometimes I think my family wouldn't want me to be so open about this but I think they realize that it's also my choice. I was on medication for anxiety/depression from the time I was diagnosed until sometime last winter, for the most part. I've been off for many months now and I've been doing fine. But I'm also not pregnant yet. I've said that every time I've talked about it since Carter was born. The second I am pregnant I will be taking medicine again because I know that I HAVE to. To me, every day is a gift. And every day without depression is a very blessed gift indeed!
(I know, now, that I'm not alone, and that gives me the confidence to write about it. I think that's why I feel comfortable enough to write so much about this. It's something so close to me, that affects SO MANY people. To me it's a disease with so many treatment options and it's so important to have the awareness out there. No one need suffer in silence...or alone!)
8 comments:
You are such a courageous woman, Jennifer. That was a huge step to come out and pour out that story. I have seen this from the other side and it's lonely on that side, too, when you feel like you can't do a thing to help but listen. You know, Brooke Shields is starting an awareness movement on this...no one is immune to it. I'm so glad you are doing fine now and with your evergrowing support group here, we'll help carry you if needed.
I think the biggest misconception that people often make is that they tend to think that it's a 'snap out of it' thing. And it's not..it is chemical, and it does require assistance. One can't 'snap out of it'. I remember Becky talking about that when George was suffering..it was so so difficult for her to comprehend and understand that she couldn't just kick him out of bed in the morning and tell him to get to work.
And I think that's the same reason people that suffer don't often talk about it, because it is so misunderstood.
I think it's good to share, and let people know that you understand if they are, perhaps even unknowingly, suffering the same thing.
hugs
Good for you Jen, I am sure that took some courage and weight off your chest...and helped others too. We are all human and can not go through life without help and trusting in God.
Sharyn, you said it perfect! You certainly cannot "snap-out-of-it"! It's been a VERY LONG road for me. And I feel like I woke up this morning and I could think of a hundred things I wanted to add to what I've already said. And that was one of them.
Another thing I wanted to bring up is the fact that you feel like you're a *crazy* ;) person. You really do. But you are NOT. I can't stress that enough. YOU ARE NOT INSANE. There is help for you.
For me, I'm so open and I always *joke* about being a *crazy* person when I'm sick and of course I say I'm *crazy* in the fun way too. ;)
But for some reason, last night, I felt this *immense* desire to write this. I couldn't fall asleep because I felt such a strong urge to write this. I can't explain that. I only pray that it was to help another!
I also wanted to say that I realize there may be some that are thinking, how could you just pour out your heart and soul for the whole world to read?! My answer to that: Because I HAD to and I absolutely do NOT regret writing ANY of this. Because, like Brooke Shields and other celebs who've talked about it, it CAN happen to ANYONE and at ANYTIME.
Before being diagnosed, I knew about depression, and I was farely well-informed and yet it was so hard for me to reach out and say,"Help me. *I* can't do this." - and that's something I wanted to stress! You CAN reach out and you CAN get help. There HAS to be an awareness out there! When we close our mouths and say nothing, others will continue to suffer. But with our voices reaching out - others can be saved!
Hi, Jennifer. I've been stalking your blog a few times (clicked on your name from sharyn's page). We are cousins (2nd? 3rd? I never have it straight) I love your sense of humor in your other posts! But I have to comment on this post, because I can completely identify with the PPD. I had that for a few months after Andrew was born (my first- 6 yrs.ago) and it was so so miserable. It was such a relief to come to the realization that I needed help and was given the strength to seek that out. You're right, we're never really alone even when we feel like it. I'm glad you wrote this post. It brought me to tears. You are brave and so strong for freely writing and sharing your experience! Thank you! -Kathryn (Hill) Eskola
Kathryn, I'm glad you enjoy the blog. I do too. :) I was even thinking: That it probably would've helped a great deal to lift my spirits if I had it at the time! (But I only started a couple of months back.)
This blog is so fun because of the connections! I haven't seen you in ages! :) ...And I can't believe your oldest is six already! Where does the time go? Lol. How many do you guys have?
Jennifer...I bet even spilling your feelings to everyone makes you feel that much better. It's always comforting to know that you're not the only one who has had to deal with PPD. I know I've told you lately, but it makes me so happy to see and hear you w/ a smile! Love you.
Jenn,
I am proud of you for being able to talk about it freely! You are right about it affecting so many people, it's just not talked about. I think it's important for people going through it to know that they are not alone. (I know that I am just re-stating what you already said)I am so glad that you are doing better :) I am sure that you have learned a great deal from what you went through so that you will be able to recognize what you are feeling and take action (medication) when necessary. Take care!!
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